I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
