Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
