when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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