I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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