I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
