Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think your dad took our porno
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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