I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
