Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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