That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
