I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
