Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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