Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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