I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
