If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
