just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
