Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
