I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
