You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
