So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
