what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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