I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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