i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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