Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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