Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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