Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
