You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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