I just gift wrapped bread.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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