peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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