The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
