I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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