If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
