Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Life is so much better after having sex.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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