can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
