if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
