I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
