don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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