Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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