$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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