when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
