And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
