I puked a lego.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
