your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
