I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
