why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
