shes about as inviting as chlamydia
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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