do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
