i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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