so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
