sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize