i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
