The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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