i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm passing your future prison.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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