omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
