yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
