just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You are the jesus of drinking
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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