I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
