I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
