life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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