my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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